Being a top in a lesbian relationship isn’t just about control. It's about building trust and understanding your partner's needs. You can find your own pleasure by giving. This can be done with your hands, mouth, or a strap-on harness. Here is your queer guide on how to be a lesbian top, by SAPHETTE (formerly Eros Song).
Topping in Lesbian Sex: More Than Just Taking the Lead
Topping in lesbian sex is about more than just taking the lead. It’s a deeply intentional, skilled, and empowering role that can be just as pleasurable for the top as it is for the bottom.
Regarding how to be a lesbian top, this guide elaborates how to be a confident, considerate, and orgasmically fulfilled top. From understanding power dynamics to perfecting strapon play and cultivating communication, we’ll cover everything you need to know to master the art of how to top as a lesbian.
What Does It Mean to Be a Top in Lesbian Sex?
In lesbian relationships, being a “top” usually means adopting the more active or dominant role during sex. This might involve initiating acts, employing toys like strap-on dildo, guiding the rhythm, or simply being the one in control. It's essential to understand that this identity can vary—some tops are all about giving, some are switches, and then there are stone tops, who revel in giving but prefer not to receive.
Exploring the Psychological Turn-On of Topping
For many tops, the greatest arousal comes from watching their partner experience pleasure. This makes them feel good. The power dynamics, the control, and the ability to orchestrate someone’s orgasm can be incredibly stimulating.
Topping isn’t just about physical moves—it also involves being attuned to your partner’s reactions and steering the experience.
Knowing Your Partner: The Foundation of Great Sex
The cornerstone of outstanding sex is communication. Discuss boundaries, desires, past experiences, and sexual preferences with your partner. Each person’s comfort levels and turn-ons are unique. Excelling at topping means respecting these aspects and responding appropriately, not merely asserting control.
Do Your Homework: Building Skills and Confidence
To be a great top, practice and preparation are key. Whether it’s mastering strap-on play, honing oral techniques, or engaging in spanking, familiarize yourself with your lesbian sex equipments and techniques. Get comfortable with your strap-on harness at home, experiment with different harness and dildos on pillows, and educate yourself on both safety and pleasure.
Communication is Key — Even About Communication
Consent and clear communication are your best tools as a top. Specify what you’ll do next, use explicit language, and encourage ongoing feedback. Instead of vague questions like "Is this okay?" provide choices: "Do you want it harder or softer?" Also, set up safe words or signals in advance, particularly if verbal communication might be limited during a scene.
Creating and Leading the Sexual Script
Effective topping involves crafting a narrative. Plan your scene with a progression in mind—start with teasing or gentle touches, gradually build up intensity, and remain adaptive. A good top interprets body language, adjusts on the fly, and manages transitions smoothly. Aim to maintain the arc of the experience without being overly rigid.
Harness Play and Strap-On Tips for Tops
Choosing a well-fitting harness and using plenty of lube can significantly enhance comfort and connection. Focus on rhythm and pressure over depth, communicate continuously, and explore various positions to discover what feels best. Remember, strap-on play is as much about emotional connection as it is about physical penetration.
Oral Sex as a Top: Giving with Power and Intention
When topping with oral sex, utilize your hands to control your partner’s movements or dictate the pace. Employ eye contact, verbal dominance, stimulate erogenous zone, or controlled movements to heighten anticipation. The key is to give attentively—tune into your partner’s responses and escalate tension deliberately.
Impact Play and Lesbian Kink: For the Adventurous Top
If delving into spanking, paddles, or other lesbian kinks, prioritize safety and consent above all. Begin gently, communicate throughout, and always conduct emotional check-ins afterward. Remember, aftercare is crucial—it’s your time to nurture, comfort, and reconnect following intense scenes.
We, SAPHETTE (formerly Eros Song) has a complete guidance for lesbian kinks. Read it if you're interested.
Reading the Room: Adjusting When Things Change
Even well-laid plans might need adjustments. If your partner seems distracted, or if the mood shifts, it’s your responsibility to adapt—slow down, check in, or change course entirely. Effective topping means remaining present and responsive, not merely pushing through with your original plan.
Navigating Triggers and Trauma Responsibly
Be aware that a partner’s past trauma might surface during sex. Look for nonverbal cues of distress, pause as needed, and create a reassuring environment. If your partner becomes upset or triggered, stay calm and supportive without making it about yourself. A good top is emotionally present and supportive.
Tops Orgasm: How?
Tops can experience profound orgasms too. For some, it’s about clitoral stimulation during vaginal penetration or while giving oral. For others, the thrill comes from psychological dominance, control, or the sheer joy of witnessing their partner’s pleasure. Discover what stimulates you while you maintain control.
Stone Tops and Pleasure Without Penetration
Stone tops find pleasure in giving without the desire to receive touch or penetration. This preference should be communicated and agreed upon beforehand. You can be a fantastic lover without being on the receiving end, as long as it’s consensual and understood by your partner.
Avoiding Common Mistakes Tops Make
Common pitfalls for tops include overlooking aftercare, pushing boundaries too aggressively, or disregarding partner feedback. Don’t assume you know best—listen, stay open to learning, and be willing to adjust your approach. Arrogance or inflexibility can dampen the mood.
Growing as a Top Over Time
Expertise in topping doesn’t develop overnight. Engage in continuous practice, solicit feedback, and stay curious. Connect with other queer individuals, devour relevant literature, and embrace each new experience. Every partner and encounter enhances your skills and expands your understanding of shared pleasure.
Conclusion
Being a great top is an art that combines empathy, communication, skill, and sexual intuition. When you arrive prepared, attuned, and respectful, you guide both your partner and yourself towards truly transformative, mind-blowing experiences. Topping isn’t merely about exerting control—it’s about leveraging that power to foster intimacy, safety, and ecstasy.